Old News
by Zorknot
Summary: Just face it, Ranma. You were hot once, but now… you're just old news.


Old News

A Ranma ½ fanfiction by Zorknot

Disclaimer: If you want to get all the references, buy the manga written by Takahashi Rumiko. Otherwise you will wander lost in a world that has passed you by.

~~~~~Old News~~~~~

"I'm not going to give you any money, Ranma, so you can just forget it." Nabiki was typing on her computer, working on some business thing. Ever since she started college it seemed like that was all she ever did when she was home. Ranma wasn't sure why this irritated him, but it did.

"Aw come on, Nabiki. I'll pay you back!" Ranma whined .

Nabiki turned in her chair to face him. "No, you won't. I know you won't. You still owe me 40,000 yen, and it's only that low because I'm not making you pay interest. I'm not your money machine, Saotome. The bank is closed."

"I have to get something for Akane! Her birthday's comin' up!"

Nabiki rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Ranma, really do you honestly think I give a crap why you need the money? You could be planning to use it to cure world hunger and I still wouldn't give it to you, because I know you'd just use it to buy some magic trinket that causes more problems than it solves, if it solves anything. I'd almost pay you money NOT to buy Akane a birthday present."

"I could do that!" Ranma said hopefully.

"You could, but you won't. You'd use the money to buy the gift. The point is, I don't trust you, Saotome. That's the bottom line. Trust is the basis of all financial transactions and you are morally as well as financially bankrupt."

"I'll pose for you." Ranma grumbled.

Nabiki frowned. "Saotome, I have been in college for a year now. A year. I don't even talk to Kuno anymore nor do I care to. Your girl side is attractive, yes, you might even be able to get a job as a real model if you wanted to. But I don't have time for that right now. And I'd appreciate it if you stopped bothering Akane too. It's just pathetic. "

"But she's my fiancée!" Ranma said.

Nabiki looked up at him through half lidded eyes. "So is half of Nerima. It doesn't mean anything. Just face it, Ranma. You were hot once, but now…" Nabiki shrugged, "you're just old news." Nabiki turned away and resumed typing.

Ranma stared at the back of her head for a moment before he walked out of her room. _Old news?_

Akane passed Ranma in the upstairs hallway as he exited Nabiki's room. She was wearing a silk sleeveless dress that hugged all of her curves as she walked by, a slit giving a glimpse of leg

"Akane! You look…less uncute than usual!" Ranma stammered.

Akane turned and smiled. "Thanks Ranma! I'm going on a date tonight at this French restaurant and it's very formal. You don't think this is too much, do you?"

"No! I mean. You got a date? With who? "

Akane kept smiling but the warmth went out of her expression. "Why Ranma? So you can beat him up later? Or maybe you were thinking of just threatening him? Telling him 'She's my fiancée so back off'?" Akane did a silly deep voice imitation of Ranma when she said the last part. Her complete inability to pull the voice off made her seem that much cuter.

Ranma's mouth hung open. "Naw, I just…" he scratched the back of his head. "I was just curious is all. I wanted to know who would want to date an unsexy tomboy like you."

Akane turned and walked away. "It's a black tie restaurant," she said as she stepped gingerly down the stairs. "So if you're going to stalk me, you're going to have to wear a dress. I know you don't own any suits."

"HEY!" Ranma protested, "I do too own suits!" But that wasn't true. The last suit Ranma wore had been the tux at the failed wedding, and that was ruined. But he did have a number of dresses from Foie Gras debacle. And kimono from the martial arts tea ceremony. And a mini skirt from when he was trying to one up the mirror clone. And then recently there was that ball room dancer who asked Akane to a martial arts dancing competition, so Ranma borrowed money from Nabiki to enter the competition, only when he signed up he had gotten splashed and there was a line, so rather than wait he signed up as a girl so he needed a dress, which he bought with more of Nabiki's money.

He succeeded in keeping the creep away from Akane, even though he almost managed to kiss her. But for some reason Akane wasn't happy about being saved this time. For some reason she got angry, and said she was no longer his fiancée. But then she had said things like that before. It wasn't like she really _meant_ it.

It took some work following Akane, but Ranma managed. It was certainly doable. A limousine with a broken taillight is pretty conspicuous. And Ranma had great aim. The ballroom dress allowed Ranma a surprising amount of freedom, and she was able to hop from roof top to roof top while carrying her heels in either hand.

Ranma let out a low whistle when she saw the restaurant. A real high end establishment. Whoever was dating Akane had to have buckets of cash. Maybe it was a prince, Ranma thought, cracking her knuckles. She knew how to deal with princes.

She waited a few minutes before following Akane and her suitor into the restaurant, not wanting to alarm them.

The maitre D asked Ranma if she had a reservation. "Oh, I'm on sort of a blind date?" She said, batting her eyes. "I'm not sure I remember what his name was…"

"Hmm…" The maitre d looked at his clipboard. "I have an Otonabe party of two here."

"That's It!" Ranma exclaimed, jumping up and clasping her hands under her chin. "Otonabe! I remember now. Thanks!"

The Maitre D led her to a booth and gave her a menu. Ranma perused over the items, her stomach reminding her that she hadn't eaten in almost six hours. "Well," she said to herself with a mischievous smile. "It's not like I'm going to pay for any of this anyway." When the waiter came by she ordered water, calamari and stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer and a filet mignon.

Having ordered, Ranma got up under the pretense of going to the bathroom, so she could find where Akane and the hoity toity prince dude were sitting. But Ranma hadn't counted on Akane sitting strategically so she could see Ranma before Ranma could see her.

"There she is now!" Akane said loudly waving.

Ranma blinked, and not knowing what else to do, she walked to Akane's table. The guy she was with was rogueishly handsome, with a light shading of stubble on his face and smile that kind of brought you in. Ranma hated guys like that. "You must be Ranko, Akane's cousin. I've heard a lot about you." The guy had an American accent and stuck his hand out for a handshake.

Ranma pointedly stared at it, but did nothing. "What's your name?" She asked, a light growl in her voice.

"I'm Hank Sato. Pleased to meet you. I know you're a little protective of your cousin, but I hope I can win you over eventually."

"Not likely," Ranma said.

Hank made a small shrugging motion with his head as if to say, have it your way. "If you don't mind my saying. You're being a little childish."

"Childish?" Ranma repeated.

"Well, yes. I mean you're a senior in high school, almost ready to graduate, right? You should be finding a boyfriend yourself instead of being so protective your cousin all the time. It's cute for a kid to be that way, but you're both older now. Isn't it kind of strange for a girl your age?"

"I'm not a girl." Ranma snapped.

"No. You're not. I mean that's obvious. Look at you! A girl does not have that much cleavage. You're a young woman. You need to grow up."

"I'm not…You..You don't know anythin' about what's goin on!"

"Ranko," Akane spoke, "Hank is studying psychology at Tokyo University. He's helping me with my anger issues. I think you should listen to him."

"You're a college student?" Ranma asked. "Ain't ya a little old to…"

"I'm eighteen, Ranko, same as you." Akane interrupted. "Hank's only three years older than me."

Hank nodded. "I was doing volunteer work when we met. I should say we spoke to each other first."

"Hold on, ain't that breach of protocol or somethin'? I thought shrinks were supposed maintain professional distance or something like that."

Hank did his annoying little shrug thing again. "Akane isn't my patient and I'm not a licensed therapist yet. What she told me over the phone was confidential, but aside from that we're free to do what we want."

"Hank listens to me, Ranko." Akane voice held a waver of emotion. "He's honest with me. I need someone like that. Do you understand? Let me have this."

"I guess it doesn't hurt that he's stinkin' rich, huh?" Ranma snorted.

Akane shook her head. "Nabiki paid for the limousine and the restaurant."

"What? But that must have cost…"

"About forty thousand yen. She said it was only fair."

Ranma hands balled up into fists. But there was no one to fight here. "Fine!" She growled, aware that she was already making a scene and didn't want to "cause a disturbance" "Listen, _Hank._" Ranma said the name through a sneer. "If you want an uncute, dumb as a brick, unsexy tomboy like Akane, you can have her!"

Hank gave Ranma a light smile. "Thank you, Ranko. I'm glad to have your blessing. But I do wish you would stop calling Akane names. You're being hurtful when you do that, and you know Akane is none of those things."

"I know!" Ranma yelled. Several other people were staring at her now. Ranma bowed her head. Hating now how prominent her breasts were in the blue satin ball gown. "I know," she grumbled, and walked back to her seat where a young man was sitting eating a stuffed mushroom.

"Arisu Inai? The young man tried to stand, but the table was too close to the seat and he could get all the way up.

Ranma giggled. "Yep!" She said, "that's me!"

Even though she would have liked to brood for a bit, she knew that it was always best to be cheerful when getting free food. Especially when she shanghaied a blind date. As long as you pretended to care what they guy was talking about and stayed upbeat, even if the real date showed up it wouldn't be a problem. She wondered briefly if maybe that's what she should have done with Akane, but she quickly dismissed the idea. Girls were complicated. Guys were simple.

"That is SO amazing!" Ranma enthused. "I had no idea accounting could be so interesting!"

"Oh it isn't really," Shuichi, the guy who Ranma was filching food from said. "I mean it's just putting numbers into a column and doing arithmetic. But you can see patterns, sometimes in the most random looking string of numbers."

"Show me!" Ranma said.

"Well, okay. So take the number pi."

"Hold on, Pie? Pie's a food not a number," Ranma said.

Shuichi squinted at Ranma. "How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-two!" Ranma figured twenty-one would be too suspicious.

"And you don't know what Pi is? Sine cosine cosine sine?"

Ranma frowned "Are you talking about contracts now?" Ranma knew all about contracts.

"No. Sine cosine cosine sine, three point one four one five nine. I thought everybody knew that."

"It sounds fascinating," Ranma said, not having any idea what the guy was talking about.

"I'll bet it does. Look, what's your game here, girl? You're cute, but I don't like getting played. If you don't care just say you aren't interested. You don't have to act like a vapid cow."

Ranma frowned. "What's vapid mean?"

"Waiter?" Shuuichi called, "Check please!" While the waiter was getting the check, Shuuichi reached into his jacket pocket and opened his cell phone.

"I'm serious. I wanna know what it means," Ranma said.

"Vapid. I suppose you could say it means the opposite of rapid. As in slow. As in you are probably too stupid too understand what I'm saying to you right now. "

Ranma frowned. This wasn't supposed to happen. Guys were just supposed to be happy someone would talk to them and that was it. They weren't supposed to get angry. She hadn't done anything to make Shuichi angry. And he was calling her stupid? She was a genius! She could learn a new technique in a quarter the time a normal person could. How could this guy call her stupid? "I don't understand…"

"Exactly," Shuichi said. "Gods, I bet you were a cheerleader in high school, weren't you?"

"No I wasn't!" Then Ranma thought back to that Mariko girl and the Kendo tournament "Well, okay, I guess I was, briefly." Ranma admitted.

Shuichi dialed his number and spoke into the phone. "Hi sis. What the fuck? Why'd you think I'd like to go out with this idiot."

"I'm right here," Ranma protested, not liking how things had turned.

"Don't talk to me about ivory towers! I know I'm a math snob, but she was sitting there acting like she was interested, like she thought I was the idiot. Where did you find this girl?"

Ranma could see where this was heading. She surreptitiously took off her shoes and moved to the edge of her seat.

"Electrical engineer my ass! If she's an electrical engineer, I'm a blue nosed walrus! Wait, how did you say she looked?"

Ranma swallowed.

"Well, the girl I'm looking at isn't mousy and she sure as hell isn't wearing glasses. So obviously something hap-" Shuuichi looked at Ranma with hate in his eyes. "You just wanted a free meal! You're just a whore! A fucking whore!"

Ranma bolted out of the restaurant as fast as she could. That wasn't how it was supposed to go. It was supposed to be a good deal for everyone. The guy got to talk to a pretty girl, and Ranma got to eat for free. No one was supposed to get upset. Even if they found out they were supposed to laugh and say they had a good time anyway. No one was supposed to call her a whore.

She wasn't a whore. She just…made men feel good so they would give her food. That wasn't the same.

It wasn't.

Ranma ran across the rooftops to the Tendo residence. She needed some hot water as soon as possible. It wasn't really her, she was sure. It was her stupid girl's body. It just made her do dumb things sometimes. She'd go see Ukyo, she decided. Ukyo would be able to put things in perspective for her. And maybe she could get a free okonomiyaki, seeing as she was still kind of hungry.

"If you go upstairs I think you may be able to find a change of clothes, Sugar. You might have to wait a little while on the hot water though. As you can see I'm really busy here. "

Ranma looked around. Every table was full, and people were actually waiting to be seated. Konatsu was frantically trying to take everyone's orders. "Yeah, sorry, Ucchan. I guess I didn't think about that. I'll take you up on that change of clothes though, if that's okay."

Ukyo nodded and waved Ranma off, before returning to the okonomiyaki she was working on.

Ranma went through the door marked "private" and up the stairs to Ukyo's sparsely furnished room. The floors were bare, save for Ukyo's one large futon. "Hmm," Ranma thought to herself, "I wonder where Konatsu sleeps?" Ranma laughed at the question. The male kunoichi probably squeezed himself in as space between the walls somewhere or something.

Ranma found Ukyo's closet and dresser and got some clothes out for herself. Ukyo really was the perfect fiancée to borrow clothes from. The style of her uniform worked for either form and since she was just a little shorter than Ranma's male form, the clothes fit her remarkably well.

And they smelled great too. Ukyo was the best smelling fiancée by far. Maybe some people would be turned off by the smell of okonomiyaki, but to Ranma it always brought her back to her childhood. Checking quickly to make sure no one could see her, she took a deep whiff of one of Ukyo's tops. She smiled.

Really if it wasn't for Akane...

Ranma shook her head. She couldn't let herself think that way. If she wanted any chance of winning Akane back she'd have be extra sure not to think about getting serious with her other fiancées.

It didn't matter how comfortable Ukyo made her feel. Like she could always talk to her about anything. And how Ukyo treated her exactly the same whether she was a girl or a guy. Not like Akane who screamed at her for not have feminine decency when she went topless and for being a pervert whenever she wore a bra.

That didn't matter right now. Right now, Ranma had to figure out how to undo the brainwashing the head shrinker guy had done to Akane to make her think she didn't like her. Ukyo would have an idea. Ukyo would listen.

Ranma took off her ballroom dress. If she never saw it again it would be too soon. She put on the uniform she had taken out and admired herself in the mirror. "Lookin' good, " she said and went back downstairs.

"Hey, Ran-chan," Ukyo was carrying two plates of Okonomiyaki. "Since you're dressed like that anyway, you want to get these over to table 6 over in the corner there?" Ukyo nodded at where the young couple was sitting.

"Uh, sure." Ranma took the two plates over to the table and sat them down.

"Hey!" the young man said. "Didn't you use to be Ranma Saotome?"

"I still am Ranma Saotome," Ranma grumbled.

"Sato, Ranma was a guy," The girl admonished.

"Naw, I saw her at the gymnastics tournament, and when she was fighting Mousse. She was just pretending to be a guy so guys wouldn't come on to her. Right, Ranma?"

Ranma frowned. "No, I have a Chinese curse I…" Ranma eyed the tea Sato was drinking. "Is that tea hot?"

Sato felt the side of the cup, "Yeah, why?"

"I bet you 1000 yen that if I pour that tea on me, I'll turn into a guy in front of your eyes."

"You're on!" Sato said enthusiastically, getting out a sen en note from his wallet."

Ranma waited until both Sato and his date were watching, picked up the cup and doused herself liberally with the tea in a flourish.

Sato and the girl, as well as several other onlookers clapped. Ranma, male once more, bowed smiling.

"Wow!" Sato said. "You've gotten a lot better. You look just like a guy. I'd never know you were a girl If I hadn't seen for myself. I remember when you had that match with Mousse you were very unconvincing but now, wow. That's a sen en note well spent, thanks!"

Ranma shook his head, "No you don't understand. I'm a guy. I just have this curse…"

"Sure, sure," Sato said, winking as he laughed. "I was two years above you, but I still had the biggest crush on you. I knew you'd beat me up if you knew though. I was almost sad when I started dating Junko here and I had to throw out all the pictures I bought of you."

Junko hit him lightly on the arm and pouted.

"What? I said 'almost' didn't I?"

"You've got an excellent guy voice, Ranma-san," Junko said, pointedly ignoring her date.

"Yeah, thanks. I do, because I'M a GUY!" He still snatched the note from the table though.

Junko coughed and in a voice that sounded masculine but light said, "I'm a guy, dammit!" and then erupted into girlish giggles.

"Junko is a seiyuu," Sato explained. "They're asking her to do the voice of a boy in a new anime that's coming out this fall. She's really talented."

Junko held a hand to her mouth conspiratorially toward Ranma. "Sometimes he has me do my guy voice when we're having sex!"

"Hey! Don't SAY things like that. People are going to think I'm a freak."

Ranma backed away from the table. "Well, um, I ah…got to go…uh…Serve other customers! Yeah…so I'll catch ya later." Ranma turned around and tried to put the disturbing conversation out of his mind. He reached Ukyo "Gimme some more orders, quick!"

Ukyo smiled, "You got it, sugar" two more orders went to another table. And then Ranma went back for more, and so the rest of the night went, until Ukyo stopped making okonomiyaki and the last customer left the restaurant.

"Well," Ranma said when he, Ukyo , and Konatsu were otherwise alone in the restaurant. "That went a lot better than the last time I tried to help."

"I was very naïve then." Konatsu blushed demurely. "Ukyo-sama was very kind to let me stay."

"Would you please stop calling me Ukyo-sama, Kona-chan? I mean we've been sleeping together for a month now, we should be past that by now."

"Sorry, Ucchan" Konatsu grinned an oddly masculine grin with his girlish face, "Old habits die hard I guess."

Ranma blinked. Had he heard that right? "You're…sleeping together?"

"Welcome to the party, Ran-chan, good of you to come. Yes, we're sleeping together. You're officially off the hook."

Ranma frowned. "But…you said…"

"Oh you're NOT talking about that reversal jewel incident are you? Yes, Ran-chan, I said I loved you. In a way I still do, but the short version of the story is that things change. You've always made it perfectly clear that you only want me as your friend. It's taken me a long time to adjust to that. Don't be a jackass and make me feel guilty for letting you go now."

Ranma tried to assimilate what he was hearing. Ukyo was saying she was just his friend now. Wasn't that a good thing? Why did it make him feel so bad? So…lonely.

"So what did Akane do to you this time?" Ukyo asked. "That's why you're here, right? "

Ranma had actually managed to forget about Akane while he was serving tables. It was kind of nice. He nodded though. "There's this old psychologist guy who's brainwashed her into thinking she likes the creep. I was trying to break up their date at this black tie restaurant. It didn't work out too well."

The walk home was quiet. Just the sounds of a Tokyo night. Traffic in the distance, dogs barking, the buzz of the streetlamps. It was jarring.

Why wasn't someone trying to attack him?

Ranma looked hopefully into the shadows of the alleyways. Maybe a mugger might come by. He didn't look vulnerable enough though. He thought of finding some water, but thought better of it. He'd had enough of his girl form for awhile.

He sighed. It was too much to hope for Shampoo or Ryoga to show up. Ever since the failed wedding, Shampoo had grown distant. Even before, her attempts to win his affections had been turning more…sadistic. He was frankly a little scared of her now. Not that she could hurt him, but well he didn't want to have to hurt her. That was it. And Ryoga had been spending more and more time with Akari.

Kodachi. Where was Kodachi? She would be a senior now too. Maybe she was studying for exams like most the other kids Ranma's age were. That seemed odd, but it would explain why she wasn't around as much. Kuno was at college. He had reportedly found a new "goddess" to pursue.

Ranma looked up at a billboard that was on the other side of the street. It was a simple advertisement, black letters on a white background. It said, "Tokyo University Volunteer Suicide Prevention" and then a number.

Suicide prevention.

Did Akane…?

"No," Ranma shook his head. "Akane would never do something like that. She's too strong for that."

But if it wasn't the suicide prevention number, then what number had she called? How had she met Hank?

"Oh no. Oh please no!" Ranma grabbed at his hair, pulling some of it out of his pigtail. Was it him? Had he driven Akane to it? Was it the insults? The inability to really come clean with her? Ranma had killed a god to save her hadn't he? Wasn't that enough? Did he really have to repeat what he said that day? Didn't everything go back to what passed for normal after the failed wedding? Wasn't everything okay then? Wasn't everything okay for two years?

Two years of fiancées, of name calling. Of Akane screaming that she needed to learn more of the art and Ranma screaming back that she couldn't. Of kidnappings and subterfuge and Ryoga and a Akari getting married. Of Ukyo and Konatsu becoming closer, while Ranma and Akane just kept drifting further apart.

Somehow, slowly, while he wasn't paying attention, everything Ranma depended on had crept away.

"Saotome Ranma?" The police officer behind him asked.

"Yeah?"

"You're under arrest."

She could break out anytime. She just didn't feel like it at the moment. She didn't want to hurt the guards, or have the law after her in the city either. It was just a minor charge. 20,000 yen bail. Someone would pay it for her.

She wasn't sure how the cop had known to pour water on her to turn her into a girl. After they did though, it was easy for Shuichi to pick her out of a line up. She wasn't exactly conspicuous. Apparently Shuichi had some pull with the district attorney or something, for the cops to go through so much trouble.

She had used her one phone call to call Nabiki.

Nabiki had laughed, and hung up. Ranma was more than a little suspicious that Nabiki had been the one to tell the cop about splashing him with water.

She sat down on the bottom bunk of the cell. It was just as well she was in a women's jail. Things might have gotten nasty if she had changed into a girl in a men's jail.

"Hey."

Ranma looked up at where the strident voice was coming from. "Yeah?"

"Who was he?"

"Who was who?"

"The man who turned you in."

"There wasn't a…"

"Don't bullshit me, girl, there's always a man."

Ranma frowned. "Well, I guess there was the guy I stole food from but…"

"Yeah, see? Never fails."

"It wasn't like that though! I didn't even know the guy. I just pretended to be his blind date."

The woman above Ranma climbed down. She was wearing torn up jeans and tank top. Her hair was a mess and she had far too many piercings for a normal Japanese woman. Even a young one. The woman looked in her mid thirties. "Was he rich, or just attractive?"

Ranma frowned. The guy was eating at an expensive restaurant, and although Ranma didn't really have the eye for such things, the man did have a certain magnetism.

"You got to target the ones with low self esteem," the lady said authoritatively. "They should also be a little stupid."

"Uh, thanks?"

"Name's Kuso. Yasukata Kuso"

"Saotome Ran…ko. Please take care of me," She bowed slightly.

"Well," Kuso stepped back and put her hands up, revealing a skull tattoo on her right wrist. "Look at miss prissy over here. All polite and shit. Did you make your name up too?"

Ranma nodded slowly. She had, more or less.

"It's a nice name. Child of chaos. Ballsy. Me, I'm a worthless piece of shit, so I don't see any reason to call myself anything different." Strangely, the woman seemed to be proud of the moniker.

"I guess if it works for ya," Ranma allowed.

"Damn straight. But listen, you got to find a different gig. Okay? You're pretty but that can go away real quick, you know what I'm saying?"

"I guess," Ranma said, "So…why are you here?" She didn't really want to know, but she didn't want to be awake the rest of the night wondering about either.

"Oh, I left my baby in a dumpster," Kuso shrugged.

"What?"

"Do you have any cigarettes?" she asked. Then she shook her head, "Nah, you wouldn't."

"Wait, you left your _baby_ in a _dumpster_?"

"What do expect me to do? I couldn't care for it. Sure as hell wasn't going to let some asshole raise it. I had a problem, and I solved it."

Ranma blinked, her mouth open.

Ranma stood. "You killed your own child?"

"No. I'm not a monster. I just left it to die. Figured it was the best thing. I mean it's my kid right? Should be able to do whatever I want with it."

Ranma back handed the woman at the temple, knocking her out instantly. The woman crumpled to the ground. Ranma hadn't hit her enough to cause any serious damage, but she wasn't going to chat with the lady either. Not after hearing what she did.

Ranma sat on the thin, springy bed again. She laid down. She thought deeply about possibly killing the woman in her sleep. After all that might be the just thing to do. But she didn't like the idea. It scared her. Yes she had killed Saffron, but that was different. That was to save someone's life and partially out of self defense. She couldn't kill a defenseless woman no matter what she had done.

Her muscles tense, she attempted to calm herself. There was another thing that scared her. There was a small part of her, a tiny but definitive voice in her mind, that agreed with what the woman had said.

It had been the worst night of her life. She had finally exhausted herself to sleep sometime around five in the morning. At around six in the morning she awoke to a pillow in the face as Kuso tried to smother her. Caught in a position with little leverage, Ranma had started to see stars before she managed to grab one of Kuso's arms and pull so that the baby killers head hit the top bunk.

She sat up gasping. She checked Kuso's pulse. Still steady. She shoved the woman off her lap.

Ranma was not like her. She was not a worthless piece of crap. She was Ranma Saotome, and she was…

She swallowed. She was an idiot.

She had gotten so used to things being out of her control that she had stopped taking responsibility. She had started taking things for granted. Started thinking her life was her business and it wasn't worth worrying about what other people thought.

She had started to make the people around her miserable. It really wasn't any surprise that they didn't care for her anymore.

A police officer walked up the hall to the bars of the cell. "What's going on here?" He asked, alarmed

Ranma glanced over at Kuso. "She's asleep."

The guard cocked an eyebrow. "She better be." He unlocked the door and entered, kneeling next to Kuso to check her pulse as Ranma had done.

After he nodded and got up Ranma asked, "Did she really…?"

The guard smirked. "Yeah. We found the baby before he succumbed though. Means she's only up on neglect charges. I got mixed feelings about that."

Ranma nodded.

"Reason I came down is someone's here to bail you out. You're a free woman"

"Thanks," Ranma said through grit teeth, promising herself she'd find some hot water as soon as she got out.

"I brought some too too good ramen for airen!" Shampoo bubbled, shoving the ramen box in Ranma's face. He took it gratefully, thanking them for the meal before digging in. He hadn't eaten in a while, and he had missed the taste of Nekohanten ramen. He, Shampoo, and Cologne were sitting on a curb near the jailhouse. Shampoo and Cologne watched as Ranma ate.

He began to feel their eyes on him, and he began to grow suspicious. He stopped eating mid-slurp. He bit off the noodles in his mouth letting the rest fall into the bowl. Swallowing, he asked. "There's something in this, isn't there?"

Cologne gave Shampoo a brief look. "Son-in-law, perhaps in gratitude for us releasing you from prison, you might consider honoring your marriage to Shampoo?"

"No way, old…" he started, but then he stopped himself. He swore to himself that he would stop thinking only about himself. That he would be more responsible. "Um…I mean…Is there any way Shampoo can go back home without me having to marry her?"

Cologne thinned her lips. It looked like she wanted to say something, but was stopping herself.

"There IS a way, isn't there!"

"Ranma honor marriage or not?" Shampoo asked, abruptly.

Ranma frowned. He'd been trying to run away again. Trying to shirk responsibility. Yes, it was a stupid law, yes he could make several good arguments that it wasn't his problem. But he had to start somewhere. Wincing Ranma said, "Yes."

"What?" Both Cologne and Shampoo asked incredulously.

"I'll honor the marriage. I'll go with you to China if you want."

Cologne grabbed the bowl from Ranma's hands. She pulled something out of her robes. "Quickly, Ranma, swallow this."

"Huh?"

"Take it! It will nullify the effects!"

Ranma put the pill in his mouth. He paused though. He respected Cologne. She was sneaky, but she was always up front about her sneakiness, and she helped him out several times. There was something going on here though, that he didn't like.

"Hurry, son-in-law, swallow!"

Grimacing, Ranma did as the Amazon matriarch asked.

Cologne let out a breath. Then she threw the bowl of Ramen into the street.

Where it exploded, magnificently.

Ranma stared at the meter-wide scorch mark in the street. He felt a small gurgle of indigestion. He turned slowly to Shampoo.

She was scowling. "Shampoo go home one way or other. Almost better you no take pill."

Cologne sighed. "There's no sense in trying to hide it. Shampoo's feelings for you have grown somewhat ambivalent of late, son-in-law. She was set to murder you. I convinced her this gom jabbar was a better option."

"A gom jabbar?"

"A test of humanity. Thankfully you passed. I've grown fond of you, Son-in-law, but you had become an obstacle to my great granddaughter's happiness."

Ranma nodded. He wanted to yell at her. Say hell no he wasn't marrying Shampoo now. Perhaps that was even the best move. But he had given his word now. That was one thing he had always had, his word. He looked at Shampoo, still scowling as she cursed in Mandarin. Suddenly, for some reason, he found the whole situation kind of funny.

Everyone came to the wedding. It was held outside in a park to minimize the potential damage. Still the ceremony went off without a hitch. The best part for Ranma was playing the doting husband. He loved how that irritated all his fiancées current and former. He was glad for the wedding too, because it gave him a chance to let everyone know, in his own way, that he cared about them. If he hadn't agreed to leave for China, he would have never gotten a chance to say good bye.

Shampoo looked beautiful in her gown, but that was superfluous. She hated him, but Ranma didn't mind terribly much. Akane had hated him for much longer than Shampoo had. It also didn't bother him that Shampoo had tried to kill him. Akane had done that a couple times too. In fact if anything, Shampoo hating him made her that much more interesting. It was like the reversal jewel all over again, except now the hate was dynamic, and Ranma saw glimpses of affection underneath.

At any rate, Cologne told him there was an annulment process in Nyuchezu. It took five years and Cologne wouldn't go into any specifics, but Ranma felt ready to give the marriage a go for that long.

He had a hard time figuring out why he was so happy about how things turned out, but he eventually decided that it was because he had finally made a choice about something. He had finally taken responsibility. He was in charge, and for the first time since he could remember, he felt free.

~~~~~The end~~~~~

~~~~~Author's Note~~~~~

This is intended to be a one shot, but I might continue this if there's enough interest. Ranma in China with a Shampoo that's not 100 percent on board with the marriage might be interesting.

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~~~~~Omake ~~~~~~

I originally toyed with Ranma hitting it off with Shuichi and showing off her genius abilities, but it didn't fit with the arc of the story. Also it was math centric, which is not as interesting if you're reading it. Still kind of fun though.

"What has that got to do with anything though? I bet if you show me how to do some math I could do it better than you before the night's out!"

"Show you some math? You talk like you haven't seen it before."

"Well, I slept through most of my classes, give me a break."

"What's the highest math you remember?"

"Hmmm…I think we were getting into double digit addition before Pops took me on that training trip. Ever since I got back to school math's been all these letters n' stuff jumbled together."

"So you don't even know how to multiply?"

"Well…yeah. I don't know what havin' kids has got to do with math though."

"Okay, let's say every woman in a family gives birth two three daughters. So there are three daughters in the first generation. How many in the second?"

"Uh…so each one poops out three kids huh? Hmm." Ranma counted out on her fingers. "Nine."

"Right and in the third?"

Ranma took longer this time. "Twenty seven."

"Look, what you're doing is multiplying three times the previous number. The number three has a pattern. It goes 3 6 9 12 15 18 21 24 27 30 and then the pattern repeats 33 36 39 and so on. So look at twenty seven. You got two tens there right? So that's 30 plus 30 or two times three times ten which is sixty. And then you've got a seven so add a 21 you get 81. See?"

"I think so. So just kinda replace one number with the number it matches in the pattern and add them up if they overlap?"

Shuichi nodded.

"Then you get…243 the next time right?"

Shuichi nodded again, but this time he had an eyebrow raised.

"And then six…no 729 and then uh… 2187?"

"Okay, you've got to be putting me on. That was too fast for you to not know math."

Ranma shrugged. "It's the first time anyone's described it as a pattern to me. I got no problem with patterns. It's like putting together the best kata to exercise different muscles. "

"You're a martial artist?"

"Uh, yeah." Ranma realized she had forgotten what her plan was.

"What branch do you study?"

"I…uh…a little of this a little of that. Anything goes really," Ranma said. She hadn't wanted to reveal this much. What if she had to see this guy again some time? "I'm really more interested in this math thing you've been telling me about."

Shuichi smiled "This math thing. Right."

Shuichi paid for the meal. Working out the tip brought out the subject of percentages, and Shuichi and Ranma started a little game. "13 % of 56."

"6.68!" Ranma said back. "17% of 35."

"7.95."


End file.
